会社に行ったり、おばあちゃんが怪我したり

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今日は、もりずみさんと会社の近くでお茶してから、会社へ。前回は会社の人とも外で会ったけど、今回は2ヵ月ぶりにオフィスにて。会社の人と、経過報告や、会社のいろんな話、などなど。急激にたくさんの現実的な情報が、どーっと入ってきた、けど、今の僕は余裕をもって受け止められた。中身がからっぽだからだろうな。前までは、常にあふれてたんだろうな。

まだ、復帰は少し先だから、いろんなことの実感は、復帰の準備をしながらじわじわ沁みてくるのかな、と思う。

オフィスは、静かだった。何人かに声をかけて、すこし話したりした。9末で猛烈に忙しいだろうに、みんな、笑顔を見せてくれる。人事の人とも、書類のこととかEAPのこととか、いろいろ話した。明後日、自分の荷物を動かしたりしに、また会社行く。

街の喧騒や、駅のアナウンス、電車の轟音・発車メロディーなんかは、やはり苦手。広告のたぐいの汚い色彩や見え隠れするお金都合・オトナ事情も見たくない。そういうものに何も感じていないかのようなリーマン達の近くに居たくない。ごった煮の人間臭も、嗅ぎたくない。音はiPodでふさいで、によいは口吸鼻吐呼吸法で大丈夫。目に見えるものが、むずかしい。帽子のつばで視界を半分くらいにして、気分的な架空フィルターとして眼鏡をかける。サングラスのほうがいいだろうな。手軽にストレスを軽くする工夫。今の僕には五感を封じることくらいしか思いつかない。帰りに薬局で耳栓を買った。音楽をききたくないときに、iPodの代わりに使おうと思って。

02_01.jpg自由が丘でおりて、プースカフェで1杯だけ、ハートランド。今日たくさんハートに受けた刺激を、ちびちびと味わう。

うちに帰ったら、おかんから電話で、おばあちゃんが足折っちゃった、と連絡があったとのこと。電話した。おばあちゃんは、手術してリハビリしても、このままずっと歩けなくなる可能性も高いという。おばあちゃんは、もう、元気になる努力をしないだろう。したくないだろう。いつまで生きていなければならないのかと本人も言っている。もうべつになにもやりたくないだろう。生きていても、どんどんできることが減っていって、思考も衰えていくばかりだから。だから、僕らはおばあちゃんの意志を尊重する。生きさせようとしないこと。

おかんは、かなりこたえてる。おばちゃんもそうだろう。順番は間違いなくやってくる。それが分かっていて、覚悟や準備をしていたとしても、心を強く打ちひしがれることからは逃れられない。覚悟や準備なんて無力。してもしなくても同じなんだろう。

ちょっと前から妻がおなかを壊して、くるしそう。心配。体調悪いと、気分も沈みがちになるよね。明日はちゃんと病院に行って、診てもらってほしいな。

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